June 5th (Delayed)

Today was a pretty busy day at work. It was a pretty casual day but something that got me thinking was the end result of the work day. Our work is not done, and it got me thinking a lot about how we could fix it. I had an idea of writing a nice little paper or something of the sort but I thought it might just be better to speak about the subject to supervisors and management since it would be more direct.

Which brings me to something I want to change and that is my impulsiveness. To me it is a bit shocking that my lifestyle has become so impulsive and it partially has to do with me adjusting to the needs of others, sometimes on very short notice. Having to be flexible to my family isn’t too bad, I have all sorts of interesting ways I can work with the time I have and

The primary example is how I just decided to get two new I-phone 7s, one for my girlfriend and another for me. She has been without a phone for a bit more than a month and I have seen how the lack of the phone has affected her. In a way I was glad that she wasn’t face planted on a phone but it just transitioned into her wanting to be on the PC for long periods.

And I don’t have a particular issue with it, but something I notice is how she wants to pursue her hobbies like drawing and sewing but doesn’t put the time in. She also goes and says she is tired but then follows it with her not wanting to go to sleep, which to me is something.

Whichever way I felt she really needed on so she could communicate. Not having a phone made it difficult for her to call to see if she has her transportation for work or to go to a friends house. It also was a bit sad to see how bored she was on car rides and how

Usually I am really happy to see these changes because I see a positive impact in her life, but this one actually feel like it made me and here more distant in an unintentional way. She went back to being a drone on the phone and just reading anime. On her spare time instead of drawing or taking the time to do a hobby.

So I am actually a bit sad about having phones. I feel like I should’ve thought through the effect it would have in regards

But that isn’t an excuse for my impulsiveness, I can still be responsible. I can also still have a positive impact in the relationship. I just am not choosing to do so because I have a bit of a problem putting

I’ll plan my writing activities to cope with stress from life, mostly to cope with the lack of expression. I haven’t been writing on the blog too much because I usually change the form I write. Sometimes I scratch something up for an RP on Valucre, others I may write someone a message and have a conversation or take the time to play a game and write about it.

I really want this to take me somewhere, I want to be constructive with my writing and find some way to help people with it.

I started writing to cope with loneliness. I have someone literally five feet away from me that I am able to talk to but sometimes it feels like there is something that is in the way (her phone). So whatever frustrations I have i try to vent by writing as reasonable and rational as possible, and if I want to being something up I do bring it up when I know I will have her attention and time.

But honestly I am having a difficult time knowing that the person who I love and consider my best friend and partner in life just is there, I don’t feel much support from her with writing and it has been a downer. A lot of the time I say “Write, even if she is just on her phone.” But I feel that she does want to spend time together. It is like there is a little scream of silence in her staring into the screen, wanting me to bother her and just talk.

And it is that little scream that brings me to do things impulsively, whether it is sit by her side, buy a new phone or do some random activity on a free day like play Starbound for hours. It’s nice to feel the forward momentum, it is less so to have things that to do things that don’t feel like they have direction. I want to be productive, relaxed, and consistent.

So with that in mind I want continue to write.

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